I have always loved music. Anyone who has spent any time of my 27 year existence with me knows this. At any point in my life, I can find a song or band that has propelled me through that moment. When finding words to describe my feelings fail me, music has always been there.
These past 6 months have been no different. Unfortunately, due to life circumstances the music that has carried me through this time is certainly not the most uplifting, happy music you have ever heard. In fact, it’s quite the contrary. There have been plenty of minor chords and angst filled lyrics that have littered the road I have walked over the past half of a year.
I must admit that I feel bad for many of my Pittsburgh friends who have met, and got to know me over the past few months. You have seen a very different person than I would like to present to the world. I’m sure you may have found traits that you find enjoyable, or things we have in common, but to be honest, I haven’t felt like myself in a very long time. I have used a lot of distractions to keep my mind off of the life I am facing. Some have been harmless, but others have been a bit more detrimental. Several mornings have come where the memories of the previous night were all but a blur. It’s in these moments that I realize that these temporary fixes aren’t bringing me a permanent solution to the problem. I have been searching for anything to numb the pain of the reality of starting life over. While some of these methods may “work” for a time, the damage they cause under the surface is much greater. The heart begins to harden, and the vibrant personality that lives underneath it all becomes callous and mundane.
Many of you have asked me lately why I’m not around as much. First, please know it’s not because I don’t care about you (yinz). You have all been so supportive of me through all of this, and I am so thankful to you all. The reality is, for several months, I lost track of the “music” of life. Life used to be a brilliant symphony for me… lately, it has fallen into the faint sound of a child banging on a piano, desperately trying to put together a melody of any kind.
Over the past 2 weeks, I have begun to feel a passion for a full life once again. A life that breaks the status quo. One where I can break the ritual of a 24 hour carbon copy day that looks just like the last. A life that is exciting, and has more for me than I could have ever imagined. It will certainly take time to find my “symphony” again, and I am only finding the melody a day at a time. There are still so many parts and intricate harmony lines to be found. Hopefully I can discover this life with all of you, whom I care about so much. I certainly can’t do it alone.
Luckily, that’s the beauty of a symphony. One instrument can not play the entire piece. Every part plays an important role. To be honest, my faith teaches this very same thing about how we should all live and work together for a more perfect love and a greater life, but there’s no need to worry, I’m not going to start preaching right now. As opposed to preaching from a “pulpit”, I’d rather live my life as the “instrument” that I feel I should be in this time and in this moment. Perhaps in the chaos of life, some of you have lost track of what it means to join in this symphony of life. Perhaps the hurts and pains that life has dealt you have left you feeling rusty and meaningless. If that is the case, I can only hope that perhaps my brief rambling tonight will ignite a desire to clean up your instrument a bit and join the wonderful music we can all make together.
And if you don’t like analogies… then first, I apologize for having to read through this all, second, have you considered that you possibly hate music? And finally, let me put it to you this way:
Thank you all for loving and caring for me through this very, VERY, difficult time. I couldn’t do it without all of you, and I can’t do life from this point without you all either. I hope we can all continue to walk through life together… wherever it may lead us all.